Oi!'Stralia, Wake Up: We’re not the land of the free; we’re the land of the unblushing bullocky.

Schadenfreude has been selected to replace Aussie Rules as Oi!stralia’s (Australia’s) national sport. The ump’s decision was based on the ease with which it's played from a comfy chair; the way it incorporates the fundamentals of the previous national code: racism, homophobia, and misogyny; and its ability to flourish like a cane toad on viagra with in the boundaries of a culture so saturated with oblivious irony that it could make Adam Sandler cringe. (And we’ve all seen “The Wedding Singer”)

International speculation has it that Australia will be disqualified from swimming events for drowning so many would be visitors to our shore; so local nobs are set to lobby for Schadenfreude's inclusion as an Olympic sport.

There’ll be sure to be plenty of standing on the podium full of patriotic fervour if that happens.